Do not piss off the Lesbians!

Bar tending is a unique experience. You never know who’s gonna wander in and each day can offer a parade of colorful individuals. draws a collage of  unlikely minglers.  Artists, lesbians, hockey players, mailmen, musicians, dogs, firemen, cops etc.,  all drink in perfect harmony…..usually.

In my past life I was a little lacking in customer service skills but in this one I have resolved to be patient, light-hearted and extra kind. But still, the job requires the confidence and strength to not take any shit from the occasional belligerent drunk. Yesterday afternoon, this guy comes in sloppy drunk slurring words. He ordered a beer, planted himself on a bar stool and began spewing nonsensical conversation and using the word “vagina” multiple times. First time, I turned my head and gave him the look. One of the regular patron’s thought the guy was calling ME a vagina and told him he should shut up, but there I was practicing my new-found diplomatic skills attempting to defuse the situation and spread love and peace. Sadly, drunk guy drove nice guy out the door. He started making up this stupid story about how he and I went to Dublin together. He kept saying my name and making suggestive eyes filled with sexual innuendo. Gross. Finally,  after I’d had enough “nudge nudge wink wink say no more say no more” I told him he was being offensive and that seemed to shut him down for a minute.

Before his unfortunate arrival I was enjoying serving and chatting with two different customers: The man was a musician, former neon artist and the before mentioned nice guy  defending my honor. The woman was a photographer of rock bands. We were reminiscing about the punk club scene of the 80’s and speculating that our paths probably crossed back in the day!  There was a good natured and totally butch looking gal, too young to remember those days, that joined in the conversation. She remained when the other two left and I got involved in another conversation with a house painter a few seats to the right, while pretending the drunk guy did not exist.

Apparently, while I was ignoring Mr. Vagina, he thought it would be a brilliant idea to grab the butch girl’s tits. Really? Not that it’s a great move to grab any woman’s breasts uninvited but he picked the most obvious lesbian in the room who could have easily kicked his ass! I didn’t see it happen but the next thing I knew he and his friend were scurrying out the door. I think she just calmly told him that he needed to leave and he obeyed!  The punch line to this story is that Mr. Vagina was allegedly a brain surgeon. Gynecologist would have been a little less surprising but OMG!  Imagine seeing your doctor acting out this scene on YouTube,  pre brain tumor extraction?  Although this information came a from a semi reliable source someone suggested that if he really was a brain surgeon, the informant would have used the term “Neurosurgeon”.  It’s a good point but then again, in a bar room there is equal opportunity for rocket scientist or Joe Shmoe to behave like total twats.  Seeing as I’ll probably never see this guy again, I’m sticking with the “brain surgeon” theory!


2 Responses to “Do not piss off the Lesbians!”

  1. 1 Brenda April 24, 2012 at 9:10 pm

    Wow, what a dork! Congratulations on remaining calm around such an ass!
    Although here there are rumors about how alcoholic most doctors and pilots supposedly are. And artists, too. But I guess those are called prejudices.

    Imagining seeing a surgeon shitfaced on youtube reminded me of a piece of news that surfaced just a week ago, about this anesthesiologist that took cellphone pictures of surgery patients and uploaded them to her facebook account with ‘funny’ captions. They fired here and she might use her license… Not the same thing but we could file it under: people who know a lot being jerks.

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